Shooting Straight

After my last post, I got a couple of phone calls.  Don't feel bad if you were one of the phone calls, it just means you love me and I am grateful for that.  My last post was a bit of a downer and yes I was in a depressed state when I wrote it.  Am I depressed?  Absolutely.  Do I have a right to be? Absolutely.  Am I ashamed of it? Not at all.  This is it, this is who I am.  I am only human after all just like each of you reading this.  We all have feelings of pain, frustration, anger, love, peace and joy.  The past couple of months have been anything but easy for me and for the people in my family. 

My life almost has this pivotal point where everything changed, but that would be a lie.  It is really a constellation of many things coming against me and hurting me, trying to tear me down over the coarse of my life.  However, this is something far more hurtful than what anyone could do to me because it is my child.  My precious, sweet, loving, funny Thomas. 

Now let's clear something else up.  Am I walking around my house moping and dragging my tail.  Absolutely not!!  Most days I am up at the crack of dawn thankful to not be in the bed anymore and feeding, dressing, cleaning my three boys.  Lunch for the hubbs, coffee for me.  My oldest has to eat, take his meds and get on the bus on time.  My middle child has 50 questions in the first thirty minutes that he is up and in the midst of learning all he can about his world must eat his breakfast get dressed and get ready for preschool.  A precious time that is almost over where he is learning how to read for the very first time and will be graduating in the coming months.  Then there is Baby Thomas who pages me with a "Ma!" from his crib for me to release him.  He runs around with excitement and then begins pointing his demands for 'juice' and 'eat'.  Then I must make myself look half decent for the day, drink more coffee, eat a healthy breakfast and be out the door.  Give the dog her medicine and breakfast.  This all takes place in about one and a half hours in the morning.  So, you ask if I have time to feel sorry for myself or my son or the situation?  No.

My days only escalate as there are therapy appointments, specialists to follow up with, doctors to call, medical records to get, return phone calls, emails, errands, preschool, lunch, maybe the gym, home in time for nap for Thomas, then the bus, homework, dinner, bath, and bedtime.  My priorities are my children in working with my oldest and his self confidence, preschool parties and teaching my toddler new things.  In the midst of living, I do have a very active toddler who doesn't look sick or act sick in the least.  He is climbing, building, playing just as you would expect any other toddler.  You would not know from his regular day that there is a thing wrong with him and everyone in his family acts as so.  The older brothers no nothing different and treat him as they would any little brother. 

As if that wasn't busy enough, when I am home it is hard for me to sit idle.  Instead I am picking up, cleaning up, laundry, dishes and more.  I am trying to take care of my health in the midst of this as I have started to experience some anxiety issues.  I am trying to eat a healthier diet, drink more water, and have taken up jump roping during nap time each day.  I got me a nice pink jump rope and so far its been great!!  I have met with my doctor and she has me on some medicine to help me.  Its the first time in my life where I succumbed and took anything like this.  The hard part is stopping.  I have a very difficult time sleeping at night now without assistance.  Otherwise, I am laying in the bed with my eyes closed and nothing more.  My mind races with thoughts of things I did, need to do, worry about.  I have always been a worrisome person by nature but this is whole different level.  Getting the mail now gives me anxiety, phone calls, certain doctors, and the list goes on.  The finances have become a horrible anxiety issue as the bills come almost daily, the application is on hold until I can get more from the doctors, other avenues I am in a wait pattern.  I am having to ask for money, which is humbling and unnerving for me.  Sorry, again this is my honest post.  The only way I was able to say yes when my friend offered to help was because its not just for me, its for my son and its for my family.  I dread having to decided whether or not we should spend money for the boys to play soccer or to take the family to the circus or save it towards the bills.  How long is this going to last?  What all will we have to sacrifice?  My world is not my own. . . . but I know it sounds familiar to other moms with children who came to them differently than their expectations. 

So there it is.  Its not pretty and it doesn't come with a bow.  I have a hard time recognizing my own feelings much less sharing them.  Many times my post become more of the information facts than a recollection of what I am going through or our family. 

The most amazing truth that has shown itself bright and clear is my Faith in our Lord is unshaken.  You never really know how strong something is until it is tested.  I will bend but I won't break.  My whole life I have had a calling, a need to have God in my life from a very young age.  I have never understood it but have never denied it either.  I have always ran to God and wanted a deeper relationship and wanted to feel him from my toes to the top of my head.  I want his light to shine through me brightly!  I am still and always will be working for this.  I want to wear his glow!  You can have Faith and still worry and be depressed.  I think its completely normal and no one understands better than him.

SO there it is.  I felt the need to share this with you today, not to make you have sympathy for me or anything like that.  But just to be honest and to share real feelings with you.  I think in sharing my truths you will feel more like you can relate and maybe find of yourself.  We never want to feel alone, especially during dark periods of our life.  And most times we don't have to be but we choose to be because we feel a responsibility to not bring others around us down with us or burden them with our problems.  I am guilty of both.  I am learning that people can love you and lift you up better if you are more transparent.

I pray that today my story touches you in some way.  I pray that my blog is not a depressing site full of doom and gloom but a testimony of how to live in the midst of uncertainty.  It may not be the way you would do it, but this is all I know.  May God touch you and make you feel that tingle all over that makes you smile.

Lift Me Up - The Afters

Lyrics:

You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign that I'm
Where You want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You're reminding me

That we all fall down sometimes
When I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go

You lift me up when I can't see
You heart's all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up

I know I'm not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let You down
But You love me the same

And when I'm surrounded
And when I lose my way
And when I'm crying out and fallen down

You are here to lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go

You lift me up when I can't see
You heart's all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken
With Your love, with Your love
I don't know what I can offer
In this moment, I surrender
To Your love, to Your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go

You lift me up when I can't see
You heart's all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken
With Your love, with Your love

You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up with Your love
You lift me up