Reality

It never fails the minute I get swept up in the moment or feel as though I am living again, reality shows up and reminds me that things aren't quite as they seem.  I know this phase is temporary and once we get through this it will be better.  One day soon, we will know for sure what Thomas is dealing with and how to monitor him and just live again!!  I will be able to breathe without holding my breath.  I will quit having to brace myself for the next thing that is coming.  The last couple of months have trained me to behave like this as sad as it is to say.  We, the doctors and I, don't even go looking for things where Thomas is concerned, they are just casually discovered.  I think it was God's plan to slowly unfold his imperfections to us in a very interesting and meticulous manner. 

I am always grateful for his smiling face and happy demeanor, while the questions and uneasiness is unsettling inside.  I watch him play and learn and do new things that are wonderful and amazing daily! Then think in a couple of weeks he will have a MRI on his spine and brain.  The procedure unnerves and the results scare me to death.  Again, reality keeps coming back to me.  I try to downplay that he is fine and there really isn't anything going on but there is.  His laugh makes my heart smile and just to watch him is amazing.  There are many other mother's who are going through their own struggles with their children whose problems are much greater than mine and my heart aches for them tremendously.  Especially during this holiday season when the focus is to bring magic to your children and fill your homes with love, hope and faith.  For me this holiday season is a wonderful time to teach my children the importance of faith, praying, and what all God has done for us.  I cannot imagine how much worse I would feel if I didn't have my faith in our Father God.  Being a Christian doesn't mean you don't have bad days or get depressed when things in life get messy and complicated.  What is does mean though is that there is always a happy ending, as God will always take care of his children.

Today, I had no plans.  Imagine that! If you knew me you would know that is absolutely insane.  I quickly remembered that our Pediatrician office was having a Christmas party so I dressed the kids and off we went.  It was a wonderful experience to see all of the doctors and nurses playing games, putting on tattoos, serving food.  All of them loving on your kids and asking them how they are.  They inquired about Thomas and pointed out my oldest nasty cough.  We road the train and saw the fire truck.  It was an amazing good time with people I have come to know, love and trust.  Then we came home to put up another tree, the Christmas village, make a Gingerbread house and other Christmas preparations.

In the midst of all of this, a package came in the mail today.  It was my today's reality:

Our kit from Boston arrived.  I thought it was interesting enough to share with you all as I have never actually seen a DNA kit.  There is one for each of us with specific instructions and a stack full of paperwork.  Looks like I will be busy for the next couple of nights making sure I get everything thoroughly completely and signed in all the right places.  I have so much hope that this will help provide not only answers for us but hopefully to many others.  It truly is surreal how much our technology has changed and evolved to allow us to even participate in something like this with a few swabs. 

It is my hope and prayer that each of you who take the time to read my blog, think of us and pray for us, will feel the true magic of the Christmas season.  The amazing story of the birth of Christ Jesus from the beginning to the end.  God walked on the dirt that we walk on today and he knows your reality.  He knows your heart, let him in.  He will comfort you while you cry, he will heal you where it hurts and he will be there in your stillness.  

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isiah 9:6