Today has been a bit somber for me than it usually has been in the past. I have gone through all of the motions in an attempt to drown out the pending thoughts that are lingering in my head and this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach I can't seem to shake. I hung out with my friends who I have missed dearly in the last couple of weeks, I have spent time with family, I went to church this morning and heard a powerful message from God and ate the traditional New Year's Day meal. Yet, I don't feel hope or excited. It saddens me greatly to feel this way as I am usually so optimistic and ready to tackle any obstacles or challenges in my path. I realize that right now, I am just not feeling it and that is okay. I am insistent that this feeling will not stay but it probably has more to do with the fact that I am waiting on the results from the MRI's of Thomas and what this may mean for us in the coming year. I am also overwhelmed with the therapies that have been recommended for Thomas including the involvement, the time and the financial means in which it will take. (Tip: I shouldn't read reports that come in the mail during the holidays.)
Last year on this day, I had an eight month old little boy who had tubes put in his ears in the Fall and could now hear and was thriving and doing great with a few minor issues! He was still breastfeeding and eating great! He was a happy baby and we were happy to be a family of five and had settled into it pretty well. My oldest was tackling Kindergarten with all smiles and was exceeding our every expectation, my middle child who was adamant about not going to preschool had finally found his rhythm and was making friends and learning new things leaps and bounds. I started my new position solo at the church as wedding and funeral hostess and was nervous and excited about the possibilities it could bring for me as a new opportunity to serve the Lord and my church. I was still working from home with my own company making some extra money and working for an awesome client. I had overcome and began to face some of my own personal issues that had been hurting me in regards to feelings of rejection and abandonment. I was hopeful last January and looking forward to another year of being The Jolleys! I had no idea what all 2011 would bring to me and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that it was slow going and that issues with one child preceded the other. I am thankful for family and friends who were always there by our side no matter the challenge. I am thankful for the women in my Bible Study who helped me go deeper and reach farther for my Heavenly Father for healing, strength and comfort. I am thankful for people who have never left me. I am thankful for my husband and all three of my beautiful sons and all that they have and all that they will bring into this world with their light. This blog doesn't always highlight the older ones, but they are amazing in their own right.
While I walk a little more hesitantly right now and with apprehension, I am still walking. I cannot help but think about all that I must face in the coming months, my prayer is that I will focus more on living in the moment and give more to our Heavenly Father. It sounds so much easier to say than to actually do. As a mother, I think it is honestly one of the most hardest things I have had to do. I know I am not in control and I know that their is a master plan, but God gave him to me to take care of while under my care and I take that charge very seriously and want to provide him all that I am. But I also know God didn't want me to loose sight of myself or others around me. I cannot do all things myself and have slowly started working on leaning on others in these past few months.
My goal for this year is lean more on those around me who love us and are truly willing to help. I may not always know how they can help, but I am learning to ask. I also want to focus more on taking things day by day and enjoy these times with my boys while they still give mommy hugs and kisses and want to play with me. I also want to be more brave in moving forward on things that may help our family no matter what labels or reports may say about my baby. Its just a report, its just a label, it does not change who Thomas is. My new year's resolutions use to be like everyone else, to loose weight, better my relationship with God and those around me, take more time for myself, etc. God has opened my eyes to a different view.
We don't belong here and that is why we are not comfortable, we aren't suppose to be. I heard this message and felt it with the passing of my Uncle. Then I heard the message again today at church. God has promises he has made to us and has never not fulfilled a promise to us. We still get rainbows even after all these years and we are still blessed with the Holy Spirit!! And when our time on earth is done, we will be in Heaven in the arms of our Father at last. In the meantime, I will hold steadfast to the promise that God has made plans for us and they are good. For all that God does is good. I leave you with a wonderful verse and the verse that my heart is singing for the start of this new year:
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